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monaboyd_monthBeep
d/b
Disclaimer: This is not a true story.
Rating: R, mostly for language
It’s hard to figure out you’re in love when your world has just turned upside down. Literally. Well, as close to literally as it’s possible to get. Dom was currently walking on the underside of the planet. Sometimes he liked to imagine himself from space, his person sticking out from the planet like a little needle. It was a wonder all the blood didn’t rush to his head. Maybe it had. Maybe that’s why he’d taken so long to figure out he was in love.
At first it was like a living dream. New continent. New country. New time zone. New job. New friends. New interests. It was enough to keep a less demanding soul occupied for a life time. Dom had a demanding soul. He knew this. He thought of it as a character virtue. Who wouldn’t want to suck in every new experience life had in store?
After two months the dream started to resemble reality. Grocery shopping was just grocery shopping and not a grand adventure of strange packaging and weird money. Hoovering the living room was dull business unless Elijah was currently passed out on the carpet. (Which was pretty often, actually, as Dom was ever only motivated to hoover at those hours. It was very amusing.)
Still, he had an exciting job that offered an endless buffet of new experiences. Helicopters and new vistas and lines to learn. And then there were the people he worked with, of course, fascinating ,and beautiful, and treacherously funny. There was so much of the world that he was in love with that he didn’t quite notice he was particularly in love. Not in those heady, early months.
Billy was always there. He was just as much caught up in the rush of a new life as Dom. They were joined at the hip from day one and Dom didn’t notice that the bond between them was extraordinary, was beyond the bond he shared with any of the others in the fellowship, until he got ill.
It was a combination of allergies and the common cold and a lack of common sense that did him in. He was always so busy sucking the marrow out of life that sometimes he forgot to rest, recharge, be a sane individual. Anyway, it started on a Wednesday and by Thursday night he knew he could not go to work the next day. His hand trembled as he reached for the phone to call Peter. No member of the cast had ever called in sick before. He wasn’t surprised when he dialed Billy’s phone number by mistake.
“I’m worse. I can’t go in tomorrow. I’m afraid to call Pete. What if he gives me detention?”
“Naw, he’ll just set you lines. I will be a good hobbit.”
“What if he sacks me?”
“Sucks you? That might be enjoyable if you close your eyes and pretend it’s me.”
Dom blew his nose and hacked a bit to clear his voice.
“Sacks! Sacks me.”
“Do you need me to come over and hold your hand?”
“Yes please.”
“Do you have anything other than beer in your fridge?”
“No. Of course not.”
“I’ll stop at the store. Be there shortly.”
-*-
Billy made Dom drink tea and orange juice before picking up the phone himself and calling Pete. “He can only come to work if he’s playing The Mouth of Sauron. He looks like hell and he smells like an Orc. Yes, I’ll be in. Don’t bother Fran I’ll…Hello, Fran…Yes, I’ll take care of him this weekend. He just needs a bit of rest. I’m sure he’ll be up to no good by Monday. No, you don’t need to…of course we love your soup. We’d be grateful. Bye for now.”
Billy hung up.
“No detention. No lines. But you will have to eat Fran’s soup and put up with my caretaking for the weekend. “
“Do I really smell like an Orc?”
“No, worse. Get in the shower you mangy cat. It will help clear your sinuses anyway.”
Dom rolled off the couch and an avalanche of tissues fell to floor. He groaned as he bent to pick them up.
“Get off. Go on. I’ve got it,” Billy shooed him away towards the bathroom.
“Sorry, Bill. This must be an annoyance.”
“Everything about you is annoying. It’s one of your most endearing qualities. Shove off now.”
As Dom stood under the scalding spray of the shower he knew that Billy was a friend he’d have to hold on to for all time. When you meet someone who will coddle you when you smell like an Orc and sound like a beached whale, they are either your mother or your dearest friend in the world.
-*-
It must have been getting along toward evening on Saturday. When Dom woke the sun was lighting up the photograph of him and Billy hugging at their first meeting. Sean had taken the photo, thinking they might want it later. Dom had hung it on this spot on the wall because it was the last place to catch the rays of sunlight each day. He wasn’t sure why he had done so at the time but as he lay in bed trying to breathe he thought he had done the right thing. Billy was the first pure light to enter his life. He was the there at the start of this new life, his true life. He should be there at the ending of each day. He should be there at the end.
He heard the doorbell sound and Billy’s footsteps in the hall as he hurried to the door. He heard Elijah’s high-pitched greeting and smiled. Elijah had remembered him. It was so important to have friends when one was so far from home.
“Where is he?”
“He’s sleeping just now. I’ll tell him you called.”
“I’ll just go in and jump on him. He’ll wake up.”
Dom smiled again. He’d pretend to sleep and then scare the crap out of Elijah.
“Some other time. He needs to sleep.”
“I miss him. You see him.”
“Tell everyone he says hello and he’ll be back to work on Monday.” Billy’s voice was kind but it held a note of firmness. No one was getting past Billy to fuck with Dom in his sick bed.
Elijah seemed to read Billy’s tone well. “Give him this? It’s from all of us. Liv bought the anal plug but I bought the lesbian porn. Viggo bought this, um, headdress. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Orli gave me…um…forty, forty-five, forty-three cents. Is that English currency?”
“Irish,” Billy murmured.
“Pence, then, or shillings, or whatever the fuck you guys are up to now. And Sean and Chris sent this basket of be-prepared-for-imminent-death. It has cough syrup and tissues and I think a deed to a burial plot.”
Billy thanked him and there were the murmurings of parting and Dom heard the front door close. He didn’t know what he felt. He’d have liked to see Lijah. He was feeling much better. But the fact the Billy had guarded his sick bed, looked out for him when he was vulnerable, warmed his heart. Something stirred in him. It was something around his heart but it was tied to other places as well. Something that had been sleeping in the depths of Moira had been awoken by the arrival of one heedless hobbit. The throbbing of Dom’s blood foretold with furious drumbeats of its own that there was a new mischief awake as well.
That was the day he knew he was in love with Billy Boyd.
-*-
Dom felt that he should have angst about his new found love. He should be going through a crisis of sexuality. He tried to, but his penis and his heart weren’t all that into it. The heart and the penis would lead his way and his brain would just have to catch the fuck up.
His organs would have conversations as if he wasn’t there. Seriously, he’d be trying to memorize lines while Billy was in the room and they’d be going at it.
Penis: That’s a fine set of lips.
Heart: Oh, do you hear how he said boat?
Penis: Do you see how his lips pursed around the vowel. A set of lips like that…
Heart: They are like a bowstring. Each word launching a lethal missive into me.
Penis: Imagine them around…
Brain: AS I WAS SAYING! There’re these lines here on the paper that I am trying…
Heart: Oh, you should write a funny little love note on that.
Penis: And make it about how you want to tongue his tonsils.
Brain: And Billy is my best friend who looks after me.
Penis: And who is edible.
Heart: And who would look even more so when caught in a passionate embrace.
Penis: Wet tongue and fucking.
Brain: And who I esteem and respect. Fuck, he just licked his lips.
Penis: Humina, he’s bending over.
Heart: That is a fine piece of arse.
Penis: Isn’t that my line?
Heart: These things tend to blur together after awhile. Excuse me. I’m beating so fast.
Penis: Do something to me! Do something to me!
Brain: Calm the fuck down!
Penis: Did you say fuck? Yes please.
Heart: I shall swoon if I am not loved!
Brain: You’ll do no such thing. You’ll just buckle down and grind against…
Penis: I’m taking over! It’s the time of the penis!
Heart: Surely he’ll love us if we kiss him with tongue!
Penis: And with penis!
Brain: Shut the fuck up! I’m going to do it!
Heart: What? Right now?
Penis: Are you sure you’re going to get any play if…Listen, I admit it, we need you.
Heart: If we’re going to capture true love.
Brain: Shut up. I can’t think.
Heart: What does he love about you?
Heart: Brain? Did you hear me? What does he love about you?
Brain: I’m annoying. It’s one of my most endearing traits.
-*-
The internet was Dom’s one true friend. He couldn’t ask his flesh and blood friends how to be more annoying. Viggo would have given him charmed pants. Elijah would have laughed and kicked him in the shins. Liv would have tinkled laughter and kicked in him in the nuts. Orli would have given him Icelandic currency and told him to go fuck himself.
No, it took the internets and twenty quid to find what he needed.
To foreshadow, it worked like a charm.
Billy showed up to feet looking like death brought back to life and then killed again. But still rather cute.
“Late night without me?”
Billy shuddered. “Something was beeping. I don’t know what. I checked the phone. I checked the dishwasher, even though I hadn’t run it. I checked the computer. Nothing. Some mysterious thing has entered my world and is beeping. I can’t even pinpoint the direction it is coming from.”
“Gosh, Bill, how annoying. Did you check the smoke alarms? Sometimes those beep if the battery is low.”
“The smoke alarms? No. That must be it. I could kiss you.”
“Yes, please.”
Billy leaned over to ruffle Dom’s hair and kissed the top of his head.
“If you’re right I’ll buy you a present.”
Dom did not expect a present. He was wrong. It was not the smoke alarms. Billy showed up the next morning with a wild look of insane desperation in his eyes.
“Not the smoke alarms then?”
“No. Not. I unplugged every appliance in my flat. I sat for hours in the dark looking for a tiny light that might go with a beep. I timed the intervals between each one. Hours I spent thus and the only thing I was able to determine is that beep occurs at deeply random intervals.” Billy took up his coffee mug and began gulping at it. “Perhaps what has happened is I have gone mad. Are there any records of mad people hearing a beep?”
“I don’t keep those records, Bill.”
“I think I need to move.”
“Tell you what. I’ll come over tonight and stand guard with you. We’ll find the beep together.”
Billy put down his mug and leaned wearily against Dom. “I do not have the energy to raise my arms and hug you. You are a true friend, indeed. But I do not wish the beep upon you.”
“Don’t be silly. I’d gladly face all the beeps in the world for you. Go take a nap now. A light blew out. They won’t be ready for us for hours.”
-*-
Dom set off for guard duty at Billy’s with a fair amount of nervous trepidation. He was on the cusp of revealing a master prank, a prank that would go down in legend, a prank that would forever mark him as the most annoying member of any fellowship anywhere. Still, he worried that Billy might not fully appreciate his genius after two days of sleep deprivation. Fingers of guilt were being to tickle him.
Dom heard the first beep as soon as they were settled in the living room with glasses of whiskey. It was a cheerful little sound, chirpy, but Billy shuddered.
“You did hear it, didn’t you?”
“Oh, yes. It’s there alright.”
“Thank fuck, I thought I might really be going mad.”
“No fear of that, mate. Let’s try to narrow down where the devil could be located.”
“It’s everywhere,” Billy whispered. “It comes from all sides at once.”
“It’s got to be somewhere. Let’s look at likely targets. Perhaps some of your unplugged appliances run on back-up batteries or something. Let us lock these suspects in the boot of my car.”
They spent the next half-hour rounding up Billy’s laptop, CD player, printer, DVD player and clocks. They rejoined each other in the living room and guarded the TV carefully while waiting for the next beep. It sounded shortly but the TV looked pretty innocent of any wrongdoing.
“Perhaps it’s coming from the kitchen. Maybe it’s the stove or something.”
They spent the next hour staring suspiciously at each of the kitchen appliances in turn but to no avail.
“It can’t be the fridge. I’ve always been so nice to it. I give it beer and sandwiches.”
“Have you burnt anything on the stove recently? Perhaps it’s upset.”
“No, I tell you. These fellows are my friends. Let’s check the bedroom.”
“But the sound is definitely louder in here.” Dom needed to keep Billy in the kitchen if this prank was ever going to end.
“They won’t rat each other out, Dom. They’re a team. The stove needs the fridge and the sink! They need him. We won’t crack them. The bedroom furniture is not as committed to each other. I could put the dresser in a whole other room and the bed wouldn’t mind one bit!”
“Bill, you’re becoming unhinged.”
Billy sighed. “Let’s just go lie down for a moment. We might be able to get fourteen minutes of sleep before the fucking thing speaks again.”
Dom was going to argue but then he realized that Billy was begging to be taken to bed. Not in that way, of course, still, it wasn’t a request Dom could refuse.
Billy lay on top of the covers, fully dressed, and Dom crawled up to lie beside him.
“I was wondering what it would take to get you in my bed.”
Dom’s breath hitched but he managed to realize the joke before he revealed himself.
“Just a little insanity.”
“If they have to lock me up will come see me for conjugal visits?”
Dom reached over to pat Billy’s hand. Billy took Dom’s hand in his own and held it.
“Of course I will.”
“Maybe I should just move in with you. Run away. Leave the beep behind forever.”
“It’s a little early in our relationship to be speaking of cohabitation, Bill.”
Billy sighed and brought Dom’s hand to his lips. “Perhaps you’re right. If only the beep would reveal itself then we could start down the path of life together with no shadows. No secrets. Nothing in our pants that we do not wish to reveal.”
Dom was so focused on Billy’s warm breath on the back of hand that he was having trouble focusing on Billy’s words.
“Wait. What? I don’t have anything in my pants I don’t want to reveal.”
“Take them off then.”
“What? Billy, mate, you need to sleep. Let’s go to mine. It will be quiet there.”
“It won’t. Not if I come.”
“Just don’t talk you daft cunt!”
“Even then, the beep will follow me. Literally.”
“Follow? What do you…What…?” Dom stopped. Billy squirmed on the bed like a little kid who can’t keep a secret. No, it wasn’t possible. He couldn’t have…“Wait. Wait. What do you have in your pants?”
Billy opened his mouth wide in mock shock. “You’re filthy.”
“When did you find it! You complete bastard!” Dom launched himself across the bed, not caring that he was trying his best to grab hold of Billy’s squirming backside or that Billy was kneeing him in the belly and pulling at his ear with his teeth. He plunged his hands into the back pockets of Billy’s jeans but found nothing. “What did you do with it?”
Billy was breathing heavily from his struggles but his voice was calm when he said, “Find it,” and spread his legs just a little bit. Dom went from baffled to lust-crazed with the skip of a heartbeat. He looked down at Billy, at the tender, vulnerable smile on his face.
“Kiss you first? Please?”
“You’d better treat me nicely.” And Billy reached up and grabbed the collar of Dom’s shirt, pulling him down into a kiss. It was a hot, messy kiss and Dom was wobbling so on the bed and he didn’t want to fall and crush Billy but he was so very unbalanced. It was Billy who finally pushed him away. Dom fell back onto his arse and Billy crawled up his body. The tender look in his eyes was gone and he didn’t look vulnerable at all. He looked very dangerous in the best possible way.
“Don’t treat me that nicely. Touch me. Frisk me. You still haven’t found my secret."
Dom took a couple of detours on the way, a few scenic drives to pleasant countries, but he eventually found what he looking for. He sat up and peered over Billy’s shoulder.
“You stupid bastard. Why the fuck did you tape it to your arse? You could have just put it in your pocket!”
Billy shrugged. “I wanted you to look for it.”
“You could have just asked nicely.”
“This was more fun.”
“Do you know what’s not going to be fun? Taking that off.”
Dom pushed Billy off of him to inspect the object closer. It was nice to get an eyeful of Billy’s naked bottom while he did this. All jobs could be made more pleasant with this simple addition to any workplace. After a few seconds he moaned but it was not with lust.
“You used duct tape.”
“It’s very handy. You don’t want things to go falling out of your trousers.”
“What about medical tape or something? That’s going to hurt like a mother fucker when I rip it off.”
Billy frowned. “I hadn’t thought that far.”
“I think I know which organ was doing the thinking. It’s happened to me once or twice. Okay, in three, two…”
Billy let out a howl as Dom ripped the tape off his skin.
“Fuck that hurt.”
Dom turned the little contraption over in his palm. It beeped once more as he turned it off. It was just a little black rectangle with some wires. It said Annoyatron on the side. The packaging had promised the gadget had the ability to stay a hidden annoyance for weeks.
“When did you find it?”
“After you left that night. I wiped down the counters and found it under the coffee pot. Some people clean.”
“You’ve been pretending the whole time. You’re a find actor, my friend.”
“You’re a terrible prankster. I might have to give you some lessons.”
“So we are going to put it in Viggo’s trailer?”
“Absolutely, we’ll need to get a few more too. One for his car and his flat.”
“I am very much in love with you.”
“Are you? You didn’t kiss my injury so I wasn’t sure.”
Dom tugged on Billy’s hip. “I’ll just have to prove it then.”
d/b
Disclaimer: This is not a true story.
Rating: R, mostly for language
It’s hard to figure out you’re in love when your world has just turned upside down. Literally. Well, as close to literally as it’s possible to get. Dom was currently walking on the underside of the planet. Sometimes he liked to imagine himself from space, his person sticking out from the planet like a little needle. It was a wonder all the blood didn’t rush to his head. Maybe it had. Maybe that’s why he’d taken so long to figure out he was in love.
At first it was like a living dream. New continent. New country. New time zone. New job. New friends. New interests. It was enough to keep a less demanding soul occupied for a life time. Dom had a demanding soul. He knew this. He thought of it as a character virtue. Who wouldn’t want to suck in every new experience life had in store?
After two months the dream started to resemble reality. Grocery shopping was just grocery shopping and not a grand adventure of strange packaging and weird money. Hoovering the living room was dull business unless Elijah was currently passed out on the carpet. (Which was pretty often, actually, as Dom was ever only motivated to hoover at those hours. It was very amusing.)
Still, he had an exciting job that offered an endless buffet of new experiences. Helicopters and new vistas and lines to learn. And then there were the people he worked with, of course, fascinating ,and beautiful, and treacherously funny. There was so much of the world that he was in love with that he didn’t quite notice he was particularly in love. Not in those heady, early months.
Billy was always there. He was just as much caught up in the rush of a new life as Dom. They were joined at the hip from day one and Dom didn’t notice that the bond between them was extraordinary, was beyond the bond he shared with any of the others in the fellowship, until he got ill.
It was a combination of allergies and the common cold and a lack of common sense that did him in. He was always so busy sucking the marrow out of life that sometimes he forgot to rest, recharge, be a sane individual. Anyway, it started on a Wednesday and by Thursday night he knew he could not go to work the next day. His hand trembled as he reached for the phone to call Peter. No member of the cast had ever called in sick before. He wasn’t surprised when he dialed Billy’s phone number by mistake.
“I’m worse. I can’t go in tomorrow. I’m afraid to call Pete. What if he gives me detention?”
“Naw, he’ll just set you lines. I will be a good hobbit.”
“What if he sacks me?”
“Sucks you? That might be enjoyable if you close your eyes and pretend it’s me.”
Dom blew his nose and hacked a bit to clear his voice.
“Sacks! Sacks me.”
“Do you need me to come over and hold your hand?”
“Yes please.”
“Do you have anything other than beer in your fridge?”
“No. Of course not.”
“I’ll stop at the store. Be there shortly.”
-*-
Billy made Dom drink tea and orange juice before picking up the phone himself and calling Pete. “He can only come to work if he’s playing The Mouth of Sauron. He looks like hell and he smells like an Orc. Yes, I’ll be in. Don’t bother Fran I’ll…Hello, Fran…Yes, I’ll take care of him this weekend. He just needs a bit of rest. I’m sure he’ll be up to no good by Monday. No, you don’t need to…of course we love your soup. We’d be grateful. Bye for now.”
Billy hung up.
“No detention. No lines. But you will have to eat Fran’s soup and put up with my caretaking for the weekend. “
“Do I really smell like an Orc?”
“No, worse. Get in the shower you mangy cat. It will help clear your sinuses anyway.”
Dom rolled off the couch and an avalanche of tissues fell to floor. He groaned as he bent to pick them up.
“Get off. Go on. I’ve got it,” Billy shooed him away towards the bathroom.
“Sorry, Bill. This must be an annoyance.”
“Everything about you is annoying. It’s one of your most endearing qualities. Shove off now.”
As Dom stood under the scalding spray of the shower he knew that Billy was a friend he’d have to hold on to for all time. When you meet someone who will coddle you when you smell like an Orc and sound like a beached whale, they are either your mother or your dearest friend in the world.
-*-
It must have been getting along toward evening on Saturday. When Dom woke the sun was lighting up the photograph of him and Billy hugging at their first meeting. Sean had taken the photo, thinking they might want it later. Dom had hung it on this spot on the wall because it was the last place to catch the rays of sunlight each day. He wasn’t sure why he had done so at the time but as he lay in bed trying to breathe he thought he had done the right thing. Billy was the first pure light to enter his life. He was the there at the start of this new life, his true life. He should be there at the ending of each day. He should be there at the end.
He heard the doorbell sound and Billy’s footsteps in the hall as he hurried to the door. He heard Elijah’s high-pitched greeting and smiled. Elijah had remembered him. It was so important to have friends when one was so far from home.
“Where is he?”
“He’s sleeping just now. I’ll tell him you called.”
“I’ll just go in and jump on him. He’ll wake up.”
Dom smiled again. He’d pretend to sleep and then scare the crap out of Elijah.
“Some other time. He needs to sleep.”
“I miss him. You see him.”
“Tell everyone he says hello and he’ll be back to work on Monday.” Billy’s voice was kind but it held a note of firmness. No one was getting past Billy to fuck with Dom in his sick bed.
Elijah seemed to read Billy’s tone well. “Give him this? It’s from all of us. Liv bought the anal plug but I bought the lesbian porn. Viggo bought this, um, headdress. It’s supposed to have healing properties. Orli gave me…um…forty, forty-five, forty-three cents. Is that English currency?”
“Irish,” Billy murmured.
“Pence, then, or shillings, or whatever the fuck you guys are up to now. And Sean and Chris sent this basket of be-prepared-for-imminent-death. It has cough syrup and tissues and I think a deed to a burial plot.”
Billy thanked him and there were the murmurings of parting and Dom heard the front door close. He didn’t know what he felt. He’d have liked to see Lijah. He was feeling much better. But the fact the Billy had guarded his sick bed, looked out for him when he was vulnerable, warmed his heart. Something stirred in him. It was something around his heart but it was tied to other places as well. Something that had been sleeping in the depths of Moira had been awoken by the arrival of one heedless hobbit. The throbbing of Dom’s blood foretold with furious drumbeats of its own that there was a new mischief awake as well.
That was the day he knew he was in love with Billy Boyd.
-*-
Dom felt that he should have angst about his new found love. He should be going through a crisis of sexuality. He tried to, but his penis and his heart weren’t all that into it. The heart and the penis would lead his way and his brain would just have to catch the fuck up.
His organs would have conversations as if he wasn’t there. Seriously, he’d be trying to memorize lines while Billy was in the room and they’d be going at it.
Penis: That’s a fine set of lips.
Heart: Oh, do you hear how he said boat?
Penis: Do you see how his lips pursed around the vowel. A set of lips like that…
Heart: They are like a bowstring. Each word launching a lethal missive into me.
Penis: Imagine them around…
Brain: AS I WAS SAYING! There’re these lines here on the paper that I am trying…
Heart: Oh, you should write a funny little love note on that.
Penis: And make it about how you want to tongue his tonsils.
Brain: And Billy is my best friend who looks after me.
Penis: And who is edible.
Heart: And who would look even more so when caught in a passionate embrace.
Penis: Wet tongue and fucking.
Brain: And who I esteem and respect. Fuck, he just licked his lips.
Penis: Humina, he’s bending over.
Heart: That is a fine piece of arse.
Penis: Isn’t that my line?
Heart: These things tend to blur together after awhile. Excuse me. I’m beating so fast.
Penis: Do something to me! Do something to me!
Brain: Calm the fuck down!
Penis: Did you say fuck? Yes please.
Heart: I shall swoon if I am not loved!
Brain: You’ll do no such thing. You’ll just buckle down and grind against…
Penis: I’m taking over! It’s the time of the penis!
Heart: Surely he’ll love us if we kiss him with tongue!
Penis: And with penis!
Brain: Shut the fuck up! I’m going to do it!
Heart: What? Right now?
Penis: Are you sure you’re going to get any play if…Listen, I admit it, we need you.
Heart: If we’re going to capture true love.
Brain: Shut up. I can’t think.
Heart: What does he love about you?
Heart: Brain? Did you hear me? What does he love about you?
Brain: I’m annoying. It’s one of my most endearing traits.
-*-
The internet was Dom’s one true friend. He couldn’t ask his flesh and blood friends how to be more annoying. Viggo would have given him charmed pants. Elijah would have laughed and kicked him in the shins. Liv would have tinkled laughter and kicked in him in the nuts. Orli would have given him Icelandic currency and told him to go fuck himself.
No, it took the internets and twenty quid to find what he needed.
To foreshadow, it worked like a charm.
Billy showed up to feet looking like death brought back to life and then killed again. But still rather cute.
“Late night without me?”
Billy shuddered. “Something was beeping. I don’t know what. I checked the phone. I checked the dishwasher, even though I hadn’t run it. I checked the computer. Nothing. Some mysterious thing has entered my world and is beeping. I can’t even pinpoint the direction it is coming from.”
“Gosh, Bill, how annoying. Did you check the smoke alarms? Sometimes those beep if the battery is low.”
“The smoke alarms? No. That must be it. I could kiss you.”
“Yes, please.”
Billy leaned over to ruffle Dom’s hair and kissed the top of his head.
“If you’re right I’ll buy you a present.”
Dom did not expect a present. He was wrong. It was not the smoke alarms. Billy showed up the next morning with a wild look of insane desperation in his eyes.
“Not the smoke alarms then?”
“No. Not. I unplugged every appliance in my flat. I sat for hours in the dark looking for a tiny light that might go with a beep. I timed the intervals between each one. Hours I spent thus and the only thing I was able to determine is that beep occurs at deeply random intervals.” Billy took up his coffee mug and began gulping at it. “Perhaps what has happened is I have gone mad. Are there any records of mad people hearing a beep?”
“I don’t keep those records, Bill.”
“I think I need to move.”
“Tell you what. I’ll come over tonight and stand guard with you. We’ll find the beep together.”
Billy put down his mug and leaned wearily against Dom. “I do not have the energy to raise my arms and hug you. You are a true friend, indeed. But I do not wish the beep upon you.”
“Don’t be silly. I’d gladly face all the beeps in the world for you. Go take a nap now. A light blew out. They won’t be ready for us for hours.”
-*-
Dom set off for guard duty at Billy’s with a fair amount of nervous trepidation. He was on the cusp of revealing a master prank, a prank that would go down in legend, a prank that would forever mark him as the most annoying member of any fellowship anywhere. Still, he worried that Billy might not fully appreciate his genius after two days of sleep deprivation. Fingers of guilt were being to tickle him.
Dom heard the first beep as soon as they were settled in the living room with glasses of whiskey. It was a cheerful little sound, chirpy, but Billy shuddered.
“You did hear it, didn’t you?”
“Oh, yes. It’s there alright.”
“Thank fuck, I thought I might really be going mad.”
“No fear of that, mate. Let’s try to narrow down where the devil could be located.”
“It’s everywhere,” Billy whispered. “It comes from all sides at once.”
“It’s got to be somewhere. Let’s look at likely targets. Perhaps some of your unplugged appliances run on back-up batteries or something. Let us lock these suspects in the boot of my car.”
They spent the next half-hour rounding up Billy’s laptop, CD player, printer, DVD player and clocks. They rejoined each other in the living room and guarded the TV carefully while waiting for the next beep. It sounded shortly but the TV looked pretty innocent of any wrongdoing.
“Perhaps it’s coming from the kitchen. Maybe it’s the stove or something.”
They spent the next hour staring suspiciously at each of the kitchen appliances in turn but to no avail.
“It can’t be the fridge. I’ve always been so nice to it. I give it beer and sandwiches.”
“Have you burnt anything on the stove recently? Perhaps it’s upset.”
“No, I tell you. These fellows are my friends. Let’s check the bedroom.”
“But the sound is definitely louder in here.” Dom needed to keep Billy in the kitchen if this prank was ever going to end.
“They won’t rat each other out, Dom. They’re a team. The stove needs the fridge and the sink! They need him. We won’t crack them. The bedroom furniture is not as committed to each other. I could put the dresser in a whole other room and the bed wouldn’t mind one bit!”
“Bill, you’re becoming unhinged.”
Billy sighed. “Let’s just go lie down for a moment. We might be able to get fourteen minutes of sleep before the fucking thing speaks again.”
Dom was going to argue but then he realized that Billy was begging to be taken to bed. Not in that way, of course, still, it wasn’t a request Dom could refuse.
Billy lay on top of the covers, fully dressed, and Dom crawled up to lie beside him.
“I was wondering what it would take to get you in my bed.”
Dom’s breath hitched but he managed to realize the joke before he revealed himself.
“Just a little insanity.”
“If they have to lock me up will come see me for conjugal visits?”
Dom reached over to pat Billy’s hand. Billy took Dom’s hand in his own and held it.
“Of course I will.”
“Maybe I should just move in with you. Run away. Leave the beep behind forever.”
“It’s a little early in our relationship to be speaking of cohabitation, Bill.”
Billy sighed and brought Dom’s hand to his lips. “Perhaps you’re right. If only the beep would reveal itself then we could start down the path of life together with no shadows. No secrets. Nothing in our pants that we do not wish to reveal.”
Dom was so focused on Billy’s warm breath on the back of hand that he was having trouble focusing on Billy’s words.
“Wait. What? I don’t have anything in my pants I don’t want to reveal.”
“Take them off then.”
“What? Billy, mate, you need to sleep. Let’s go to mine. It will be quiet there.”
“It won’t. Not if I come.”
“Just don’t talk you daft cunt!”
“Even then, the beep will follow me. Literally.”
“Follow? What do you…What…?” Dom stopped. Billy squirmed on the bed like a little kid who can’t keep a secret. No, it wasn’t possible. He couldn’t have…“Wait. Wait. What do you have in your pants?”
Billy opened his mouth wide in mock shock. “You’re filthy.”
“When did you find it! You complete bastard!” Dom launched himself across the bed, not caring that he was trying his best to grab hold of Billy’s squirming backside or that Billy was kneeing him in the belly and pulling at his ear with his teeth. He plunged his hands into the back pockets of Billy’s jeans but found nothing. “What did you do with it?”
Billy was breathing heavily from his struggles but his voice was calm when he said, “Find it,” and spread his legs just a little bit. Dom went from baffled to lust-crazed with the skip of a heartbeat. He looked down at Billy, at the tender, vulnerable smile on his face.
“Kiss you first? Please?”
“You’d better treat me nicely.” And Billy reached up and grabbed the collar of Dom’s shirt, pulling him down into a kiss. It was a hot, messy kiss and Dom was wobbling so on the bed and he didn’t want to fall and crush Billy but he was so very unbalanced. It was Billy who finally pushed him away. Dom fell back onto his arse and Billy crawled up his body. The tender look in his eyes was gone and he didn’t look vulnerable at all. He looked very dangerous in the best possible way.
“Don’t treat me that nicely. Touch me. Frisk me. You still haven’t found my secret."
Dom took a couple of detours on the way, a few scenic drives to pleasant countries, but he eventually found what he looking for. He sat up and peered over Billy’s shoulder.
“You stupid bastard. Why the fuck did you tape it to your arse? You could have just put it in your pocket!”
Billy shrugged. “I wanted you to look for it.”
“You could have just asked nicely.”
“This was more fun.”
“Do you know what’s not going to be fun? Taking that off.”
Dom pushed Billy off of him to inspect the object closer. It was nice to get an eyeful of Billy’s naked bottom while he did this. All jobs could be made more pleasant with this simple addition to any workplace. After a few seconds he moaned but it was not with lust.
“You used duct tape.”
“It’s very handy. You don’t want things to go falling out of your trousers.”
“What about medical tape or something? That’s going to hurt like a mother fucker when I rip it off.”
Billy frowned. “I hadn’t thought that far.”
“I think I know which organ was doing the thinking. It’s happened to me once or twice. Okay, in three, two…”
Billy let out a howl as Dom ripped the tape off his skin.
“Fuck that hurt.”
Dom turned the little contraption over in his palm. It beeped once more as he turned it off. It was just a little black rectangle with some wires. It said Annoyatron on the side. The packaging had promised the gadget had the ability to stay a hidden annoyance for weeks.
“When did you find it?”
“After you left that night. I wiped down the counters and found it under the coffee pot. Some people clean.”
“You’ve been pretending the whole time. You’re a find actor, my friend.”
“You’re a terrible prankster. I might have to give you some lessons.”
“So we are going to put it in Viggo’s trailer?”
“Absolutely, we’ll need to get a few more too. One for his car and his flat.”
“I am very much in love with you.”
“Are you? You didn’t kiss my injury so I wasn’t sure.”
Dom tugged on Billy’s hip. “I’ll just have to prove it then.”
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Date: 2010-06-23 03:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-24 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-23 03:55 pm (UTC)Your bantering boys are always so much fun!
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Date: 2010-06-24 02:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-23 05:50 pm (UTC)Great story! It brought a smile to my face! *See!! ;P
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Date: 2010-06-24 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-23 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-24 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-27 06:51 pm (UTC)Billy was breathing heavily from his struggles but his voice was calm when he said, “Find it,” and spread his legs just a little bit. Dom went from baffled to lust-crazed with the skip of a heartbeat.
ETA: found a typo, "find actor" instead of "fine actor"
so reccing!
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Date: 2010-06-23 08:23 pm (UTC)Loved the conversation between different parts of Dom's anatomy :)
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Date: 2010-06-24 02:06 am (UTC)Thank you. I almost took that part out as being far too silly and strange. But then I kind of liked it and...
I'm glad there's someone out there that thinks like I do.
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Date: 2010-06-24 06:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-24 06:11 am (UTC)Amusing vacuuming made me smile! I love the image of Dom vacuuming around a sprawled out Elijah, as Lij drool on the carpet!
“Sucks you? That might be enjoyable if you close your eyes and pretend it’s me.”
I'm just grateful I wasn't drinking when I read this! I always love how natural your dialogue feels. So good.
I love that Billy drove over to hold Dom's hand. And I love this line:
“Everything about you is annoying. It’s one of your most endearing qualities...” I could totally see the look on Billy's face as he said this. Fantastic.
This line made me warm all over: When you meet someone who will coddle you when you smell like an Orc and sound like a beached whale, they are either your mother or your dearest friend in the world. So true. Aren't best friends miraculous? You've got me all wistful tonight, I'm afraid...
I loved the banter with Lij. Especially Viggo's present. :)
The heart/penis/brain discussion was HILLARIOUS! OMFG!
“It can’t be the fridge. I’ve always been so nice to it. I give it beer and sandwiches.”
Oh the desperation of the sleep deprived! The betrayal in his voice. LOL woman, you rock!
“They won’t rat each other out, Dom. They’re a team. The stove needs the fridge and the sink! They need him. We won’t crack them. The bedroom furniture is not as committed to each other. I could put the dresser in a whole other room and the bed wouldn’t mind one bit!”
Marry me?
“I am very much in love with you.”
“Are you? You didn’t kiss my injury so I wasn’t sure.”
*combusts with glee*
SO GOOD! You had nothing to worry about. Fantastic as always. I needed a laugh. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-09 03:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-25 05:58 pm (UTC)