fic: This Is a Sad Song
May. 31st, 2010 11:47 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
dizzydame.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
monaboyd_monthThis Is a Sad Song
Billy/Dom
PG-13
This is not a fluffy fic, but there's room for hope at the ending.
Billy was in love with Dom. He was in love - so bad it hurt, it ached, so deep in it that he thought he'd never get out. Sure, in New Zealand it was all fun and good times. They were in a little bubble there, isolated from the world. No worries, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Billy's a realistic sort of guy, though. He wasn't all that shocked when the end of filming came and Dom slipped out of his grasp like he'd never been there in the first place. They tried for a while - tried to keep it up through distance and the haze of drugs and alcohol Dom seemed bound and determined to wrap himself in. Then something in Dom broke and Billy, yeah, he was there, he was the one to help, but when he'd done his part he got back on a plane. Dom's life scared him, the possibility that it could dull something as bright as Dominic, that was fucking terrifying and Billy wanted no part of it.
So it was someone else that helped Dom rebuild after his breakdown, and as much as it gutted Billy he accepted it. He tucked down the anger, the fury, the bitterness and betrayal, because life is too short to linger on those things. He's not complaining too much about where he's ended up, either. His life is comfortable, nice. Exactly what he thought it would be when he was a kid. He makes music with his mates, he's got a solid girl that he enjoys being with, he's got a kid that's the light of his life. And he has a mate named Dom that he sees once or twice a year and if it so happens that he always invites a few other people alone, then that's just how it works out. Dom has the decency not to call Billy on it.
Now it's been almost a decade and it's amazing to Billy how filming Lord of the Rings can feel like it was a lifetime ago but if he closes his eyes he still remembers so perfectly the way Dom's voice sounds first thing in the morning right in his ear, or the way he smelled when Billy would press his face into the curve of Dom's neck. He realizes that his memories of Dom, the Dom that lives in his head and his heat, they're not the same Dominic Monaghan that exists today. He remembers a crooked smile and a thicker accent, arms that were desperate to hold and be held. He remembers the man that would call him five times a day, between every break he had on scenes, just because he wanted to hear Billy's voice, wanted to know what Billy was doing. Now he gets a call on his birthday, one on Jack's, a Christmas present in the mail (except for last year, must not have made his list).
All of that, that's why it's a shock when Billy gets that call from Dom saying he's at the airport.
"I'm meant to be headed to mum and dad's." Dom admits. They sit on a bench at the airport. Dom's got a bag beside him.
Billy's not sure if that look on his face is misery or something else. He's not sure he wants to know.
"Then why aren't you?" Billy says, and they're both surprised at the tone of his voice. Dom looks shamed, instantly contrite.
"I've been thinking about you a lot, Billy." Dom says. He's speaking quietly.
"Don't." Billy starts to shake his head. "Don't you do that, don't-"
"Bill, please." Dom grabs his arm. They both look down at it.
Dom doesn't pull away. "Just give me an afternoon, okay? An evening? If you've got plans today, I'll wait. You name the time."
"It doesn't happen like that, Dom." Billy shakes his head again.
"One afternoon. Two hours." Dom says again.
So much might have changed, but those eyes are the same. Billy relents after a bit more prodding.
"I've been thinking a lot about us, since me and... well, you know." Dom says, referring to his recent breakup. "I feel like back then - I didn't know what I was doing. I trusted you to make everything work."
"Hard to make it work when the first chance you get, you're running to the other side of the world." Billy says.
Dom flinches. "Are you - Bill, are you mad at me? You seemed - you were fine with it."
"You're an idiot, and this time I mean it." Billy says. "It wouldn't have mattered what I'd done. It wasn't working. You wanted to be there, as miserable as it made you."
"I cheated on you." Dom admits, and it's news that comes years later and something Billy as much as knew already, but the words still feel like a blow. "I was fucked up back then, Bill. I did everything wrong. I felt like I needed you more than I needed air, but everything in my life had built up to me going to Hollywood and my career was taking off. New Zealand was perfect but as soon as it came down to me holding it together and giving you what you needed-"
"Christ, Dominic, you didn't need to give me anything." Billy shakes his head, his legs tensing like they want to take him far away from here and this conversation and these truths that somehow still have the power to shake him so badly. "I don't know why you're doing this now."
"I know it's too late, Bill, but I'm sorry. I had to come and see you. You have to tell me it's okay now." Dom says.
"I'm not. I won't." Billy does get up, but Dom follows him and grabs his arm again.
"Don't - no. Don't go. I need..." His hand slips down and his fingers grab onto Billy's.
"What, Dom? What do you need?" Billy asks, staring at him.
"I want us back." He says.
"Do you know what you're asking me? I have - Ali and Jack - I can't-"
"You can have us, too, though."
"You're asking me to cheat on her? No, Dom. She's been good to me. I'm not doing that to her."
"It's not like it was with us, though, is it?"
Billy just shakes his head. "I'm not doing this. It's not a contest, it's not a competition. You don't get to try and compile scores."
Dom stares at him and Billy can practically see the wheels turning in his head. He's almost afraid of what is going to come out of Dom's mouth.
"Come back to New Zealand with me. I've been thinking about it. I'm don't start filming on my next project for another two months, and you've just wrapped up on your thing, right?"
"I can't-"
"Let's just go back. Let's pretend nothing changed. See if it's still there."
"Dominic." Billy says, voice firm though it feels like someone is actually reaching into his chest and squeezing. "No."
Dom slumps back against the bench and rubs his face over his hands. Somehow, that's even harder to handle than the begging.
*
Two weeks later, he gets a plane ticket in the mail. Round trip, seven days in New Zealand.
He's not sure if he'll actually get on the plane, but he packs a bag anyway.
Billy/Dom
PG-13
This is not a fluffy fic, but there's room for hope at the ending.
Billy was in love with Dom. He was in love - so bad it hurt, it ached, so deep in it that he thought he'd never get out. Sure, in New Zealand it was all fun and good times. They were in a little bubble there, isolated from the world. No worries, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Billy's a realistic sort of guy, though. He wasn't all that shocked when the end of filming came and Dom slipped out of his grasp like he'd never been there in the first place. They tried for a while - tried to keep it up through distance and the haze of drugs and alcohol Dom seemed bound and determined to wrap himself in. Then something in Dom broke and Billy, yeah, he was there, he was the one to help, but when he'd done his part he got back on a plane. Dom's life scared him, the possibility that it could dull something as bright as Dominic, that was fucking terrifying and Billy wanted no part of it.
So it was someone else that helped Dom rebuild after his breakdown, and as much as it gutted Billy he accepted it. He tucked down the anger, the fury, the bitterness and betrayal, because life is too short to linger on those things. He's not complaining too much about where he's ended up, either. His life is comfortable, nice. Exactly what he thought it would be when he was a kid. He makes music with his mates, he's got a solid girl that he enjoys being with, he's got a kid that's the light of his life. And he has a mate named Dom that he sees once or twice a year and if it so happens that he always invites a few other people alone, then that's just how it works out. Dom has the decency not to call Billy on it.
Now it's been almost a decade and it's amazing to Billy how filming Lord of the Rings can feel like it was a lifetime ago but if he closes his eyes he still remembers so perfectly the way Dom's voice sounds first thing in the morning right in his ear, or the way he smelled when Billy would press his face into the curve of Dom's neck. He realizes that his memories of Dom, the Dom that lives in his head and his heat, they're not the same Dominic Monaghan that exists today. He remembers a crooked smile and a thicker accent, arms that were desperate to hold and be held. He remembers the man that would call him five times a day, between every break he had on scenes, just because he wanted to hear Billy's voice, wanted to know what Billy was doing. Now he gets a call on his birthday, one on Jack's, a Christmas present in the mail (except for last year, must not have made his list).
All of that, that's why it's a shock when Billy gets that call from Dom saying he's at the airport.
"I'm meant to be headed to mum and dad's." Dom admits. They sit on a bench at the airport. Dom's got a bag beside him.
Billy's not sure if that look on his face is misery or something else. He's not sure he wants to know.
"Then why aren't you?" Billy says, and they're both surprised at the tone of his voice. Dom looks shamed, instantly contrite.
"I've been thinking about you a lot, Billy." Dom says. He's speaking quietly.
"Don't." Billy starts to shake his head. "Don't you do that, don't-"
"Bill, please." Dom grabs his arm. They both look down at it.
Dom doesn't pull away. "Just give me an afternoon, okay? An evening? If you've got plans today, I'll wait. You name the time."
"It doesn't happen like that, Dom." Billy shakes his head again.
"One afternoon. Two hours." Dom says again.
So much might have changed, but those eyes are the same. Billy relents after a bit more prodding.
"I've been thinking a lot about us, since me and... well, you know." Dom says, referring to his recent breakup. "I feel like back then - I didn't know what I was doing. I trusted you to make everything work."
"Hard to make it work when the first chance you get, you're running to the other side of the world." Billy says.
Dom flinches. "Are you - Bill, are you mad at me? You seemed - you were fine with it."
"You're an idiot, and this time I mean it." Billy says. "It wouldn't have mattered what I'd done. It wasn't working. You wanted to be there, as miserable as it made you."
"I cheated on you." Dom admits, and it's news that comes years later and something Billy as much as knew already, but the words still feel like a blow. "I was fucked up back then, Bill. I did everything wrong. I felt like I needed you more than I needed air, but everything in my life had built up to me going to Hollywood and my career was taking off. New Zealand was perfect but as soon as it came down to me holding it together and giving you what you needed-"
"Christ, Dominic, you didn't need to give me anything." Billy shakes his head, his legs tensing like they want to take him far away from here and this conversation and these truths that somehow still have the power to shake him so badly. "I don't know why you're doing this now."
"I know it's too late, Bill, but I'm sorry. I had to come and see you. You have to tell me it's okay now." Dom says.
"I'm not. I won't." Billy does get up, but Dom follows him and grabs his arm again.
"Don't - no. Don't go. I need..." His hand slips down and his fingers grab onto Billy's.
"What, Dom? What do you need?" Billy asks, staring at him.
"I want us back." He says.
"Do you know what you're asking me? I have - Ali and Jack - I can't-"
"You can have us, too, though."
"You're asking me to cheat on her? No, Dom. She's been good to me. I'm not doing that to her."
"It's not like it was with us, though, is it?"
Billy just shakes his head. "I'm not doing this. It's not a contest, it's not a competition. You don't get to try and compile scores."
Dom stares at him and Billy can practically see the wheels turning in his head. He's almost afraid of what is going to come out of Dom's mouth.
"Come back to New Zealand with me. I've been thinking about it. I'm don't start filming on my next project for another two months, and you've just wrapped up on your thing, right?"
"I can't-"
"Let's just go back. Let's pretend nothing changed. See if it's still there."
"Dominic." Billy says, voice firm though it feels like someone is actually reaching into his chest and squeezing. "No."
Dom slumps back against the bench and rubs his face over his hands. Somehow, that's even harder to handle than the begging.
*
Two weeks later, he gets a plane ticket in the mail. Round trip, seven days in New Zealand.
He's not sure if he'll actually get on the plane, but he packs a bag anyway.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-31 07:54 pm (UTC)Dom's life scared him, the possibility that it could dull something as bright as Dominic, that was fucking terrifying and Billy wanted no part of it.
I love that. Love it all, really. Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-31 07:59 pm (UTC)I wish they had their happy ending, but oh well, nothing is ever perfect.
Beautiful fic, though.
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Date: 2010-05-31 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-01 06:48 pm (UTC)the first story you posted was good, very realistic and comfortable. but this one, oh my. I loved it. also very realistic, but painfully so. poor dom and billy, the glimpse of hope at the end is nice, but I kind of agree with billy, I don't know how they would work out. sad, but beautiful. <3
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Date: 2010-06-03 02:03 am (UTC)This is a sad song... with words that make your heart ache.
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Date: 2010-06-03 03:50 am (UTC)It's a rare fic that deals with all of the complications and consequences of real life so frankly, though. I think you broke my heart a little.
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Date: 2010-06-03 03:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-04 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-13 01:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-14 10:00 pm (UTC)I've rarely since this summed up so well in a fic, and I really love the way you went about it here. This whole ficlet really felt desperate but hopeful, too. <3