Fic: The Last Goodbye (Deathfic)
May. 2nd, 2008 08:08 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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monaboyd_monthTitle: Last Goodbye
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sassywitch
Fandom: LOTRPS
Characters: Monaboyd
Word Count: 5100
Beta: Many thanks to my betaceltprincess13.
Rating: M
Summary: The last goodbye is always the hardest
Disclaimer: Don't own them or they'd be far happier and in closer proximity
WARNING: Deathfic. If that is disturbing for you don’t read.
Author's Notes: This is a piece that I have never posted but was the sixth part of a series of standalone fics
The earlier fics can be found here in reading order.
Tonight I’m Gonna Cry
Don’t Shut Me Out
End of the World
I Can’t Breathe Without You
Sleep
Dom lay beside his lover, a frown marring his face, his fingers trailing across the lightly furred chest. His eyes watched Billy closely, his paler than pale skin, the slightly blue tinge to his lips and often his fingernails, the reed-thin slenderness with the loss of even his slightly poochy middle-aged belly, the way his heartbeat was less than regular under his ear as he rested his head on Billy’s chest after they made love. Dom’s brow furrowed deeply as he slowly began to piece together the vague suspicions he hadn’t known he had.
He hadn’t really worried about it before. He expected Billy’s heart to be racing just as his did as they slowly relaxed, blissfully satisfied by each other.
This morning was different. It was the first time he had woken with his ear pressed against Billy’s chest. Normally it was the other way around. Billy’s perennial chill seeking Dom’s warmth. Dom’s own arms flung wide before Billy molded himself along Dom’s warm body.
Dom had laid there for what had seemed like hours listening to Billy’s heart race then skip a beat or two, then stop for just long enough for Dom to start to panic, before resuming a steady beat again. That was not a normal heart rate for a sleeping man.
Pulling back from his comfortable position against Billy’s chest, he studied Billy for long, silent, tear-threatening minutes. Something was wrong, now that he had noticed the little things it was obvious. Billy was sick. Seriously sick. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t seen it before. Well, yes he was. Their lifestyle could hardly be called sedate.
Yesterday was the anniversary of their third year together as a couple. They split their time between Scotland and Hawaii. Billy worked from Hawaii while Lost was shooting; he had become involved in Hawaiian theatre and even gave acting classes to underprivileged kids in their neighborhood. During the Lost hiatus, they lived in Billy’s house in Glasgow and traveled. They had even managed to do a stage play together and their very own first movie was in the can just waiting to be let loose on the world. All in all, Dom smiled, his life was idyllic and had been since the day Billy had confessed to him on Emilie’s verandah.
Now that he really thought about it, Dom could see the subtle changes in his Billy. Over the last six months at least he had grown more lethargic, he slept more and seemed to be perpetually out of breath. Billy laughed it off when Dom had commented, asking Dom what he expected of a middle-aged man. Blindly, Dom had accepted his words, happy just to love his partner in life, love, and crime.
Two weeks ago they had returned to their Glasgow home. Since their return, they had barely left their bed and when they did it was only to move to the couch or the bathtub. Dom hadn’t thought anything of it. Still, after years together they couldn’t get enough of each other.
In fact, even when Billy had suggested that they spend time at home in Scotland as soon as they could, his request had been different. They had planned to spend this hiatus in New Zealand but Billy’s quiet plea had tied Dom’s heartstrings in knots. He had thought Billy was homesick as he often was. Dom couldn’t refuse the need in Billy’s voice. But now Dom knew in his heart this request was different, this wasn’t just homesickness.
He should have seen when his toppy, dominant Billy had morphed into submissive, bottom Billy that something was really wrong. Seriously wrong. They still made love every night, but instead of the furious, can't get enough of you, frantic coupling, now there was a poignant lethargy to Billy that Dom had just put down to their familiarity.
Dom leaned up on one elbow, the fingers of his other hand tracing Billy’s face. Slowly his caresses lengthened as Billy’s eyes fluttered open.
“Morning.” Billy breathed as he started to roll towards Dom, intent on pulling him into his arms.
Dom pressed one hand against Billy’s shoulder, pushing him back against the pillows. His hand traveling lower until the flat of his palm pressed against Billy’s chest, his wildly beating heart thrumming against Dom’s clammy palm.
“I know you won’t lie to me Bills, but I have to ask you something and I need a straight answer.” Dom spoke seriously as his eyes searched Billy’s.
“Okay.” Billy nodded his brow furrowed in confusion.
“How long have you known?” he asked his voice cracking, all the while a little voice in his head chanting ‘Please God, let me be wrong, let me be paranoid, let him yell at me and call me a fuckwit, please God let it be nothing.'
Billy looked deep into Dom’s tearfilled, smoky blue eyes, wishing he had the strength to lie to his own heart, to make it all better, to take the pain from his Dommie’s eyes.
“A little less than three years.” He answered in a whisper.
“Dear God.” Dom gulped in air, bowing his head as he struggled to control his emotions.
Billy slid his fingers through Dom’s hair, gently stroking his scalp, begging him with his touch to understand. Dom lifted his head, huge glistening tears clinging valiantly to his lashes.
“How?” he gulped as he choked on the knot of emotion caught in his throat. “How long….” His voice trailed off and he couldn’t bring himself to ask the question.
“A month.” Billy answered slowly, his own tears trickling from the corners of his liquid green eyes. “Three weeks ago.”
“Why?” Dom almost sobbed against Billy’s chest, burrowing his face into his beloved. “Why didn’t you tell me Billy?” he shook his head “We’ll get a second opinion. A third? We’ll find you specialists?”
“I couldn’t Dommie.” He murmured. “Not until I was sure. There are no other specialists. There is nothing, I’ve done everything I can, I’ve seen the best cardiologists on the planet, they’ve all said the same thing. I couldn’t tell you until I was absolutely sure.” He cried.
“Don’t, Bills.” Dom breathed, his face pressed against Billy’s chest. “I won’t be able to be coherent if you lose it now and I need to talk about this.”
“I’ve tried every single day to tell you Dom, but you’ve been so happy, so beautiful I couldn’t do this to you again.”
“Sweetheart, I did that to myself, you’re not doing anything to me. We need to worry about you, there has to be something we can do?” Dom spoke softly.
“Don’t you think that I haven’t tried Dom?” Billy spoke quietly “I don’t want to leave you, Dommie. I don’t want to send you back to that place again, I can’t let you go there, I love you too much, I can’t do that to you.”
“We’ll find someone you haven’t seen, someone that can help you.” Dom kissed Billy’s chest as he spoke.
“Dommie, I’m not going back to them.” Billy stated adamantly. “There is nothing they can do. I won’t have our final days together filled with pain. I don’t want you to remember me as anything less than what I am here, now. I love you, Dom. Every night when we go to sleep I’m terrified that I’m not going to wake up in the morning. I’m terrified that I’m going to leave you alone. I’m terrified that you won’t be strong enough to look after yourself for me. That you won’t be able to live for me.”
“I won’t believe it Billy, you’re strong, you love me, I love you, nobody, no God would tear us apart.”
“It’s not God, baby.” Billy stroked Dom’s back with trembling fingers. “It’s me, it’s my body, it’s not you, it’s just something that will happen.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Bills?” Dom lifted his tear streaked face to look into Billy’s. “If you had rested more would we have longer?”
“Maybe. Who knows?” Billy shrugged. “Would you have remembered the last time we surfed the same way, would you have let me go kayaking with you that last time before we left home? Would you still be making love to me every single night without second guessing yourself and worrying about hurting me?” Billy paused “I can’t, I won’t let you have second grade memories filled with worry and regrets. I want you to have us as we were not what this….” He slapped his palm against his chest. “made us.”
“But I could have helped you, I could have been there for you, you wouldn’t have had to worry alone.” Dom murmured unable to stop the sob in his voice.
“Don’t Baby.” Billy whispered, “Please don’t. I’m sorry I kept us apart for so long. We could have had so much longer.”
“Don’t Bills.” Dom whispered pressing his head against Billy’s chest his shoulders vibrating with huge wracking gulping sobs that he couldn’t contain any longer.
“Dommie, don’t be sad.” Billy spoke, "Please baby, don’t do this now. I need to tell you things. Things that you need to remember.”
“Things that I can’t forget.” Dom wiped the tears from his tear ravaged face with one hand, letting his damp fingers drop to Billy’s face, tracing his fingertips across Billy’s tear wet cheeks, his eyes following the trail taken. “I’ll never forget you, or how you make me feel. I’ll always love you Billy.” He murmured, his voice strangled by his tears.
“There’s a safe deposit box Dommie. At the bank. There’s things in it you’ll need. My will, my medical records, some papers that are important for you. The deeds to this house. I transferred it into your name. I was worried about you, I’ve transferred all my accounts to yours. Maggie won’t fight you for anything. She loves you.”
“I don’t want anything, Bills. I only want you.”
“And I’d give everything up if I could stay with you but I can’t, so I need you to pay attention, baby.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye, Billy. If I don’t say goodbye, it won’t be real will it?”
“It’s real, Dom.” Billy sighed, closing his eyes wearily. “I’ve made the plans for my funeral, I’m asking to be cremated, they’ll give you….” His voice halted brokenly. “They’ll give you two urns, one for you to scatter in Scotland. At that little beach where we surf.”
“Billy for fuck's sake, please.” Dom whimpered “I can’t do this, not today.”
“You have to Dommie, now that you know, I need to tell you. Then I won’t mention it again, no more tears today. No more tears; just love and kisses and memories.”
“Okay.” Dom drew a deep breath and lifted his head to look into Billy’s face. “I’m listening.”
“The other is for you to take to Hawaii, keep me with you or scatter me in the surf, whatever gives you the most peace. The body I leave won’t matter, Dom. I’ll always be with you. I’ll know if you don’t look after yourself. I need you to promise me that you’ll look after yourself, I can’t be at peace if you’re not.”
“I’ll try Billy.” Dom whimpered.
“No more tears, Dommie.” Billy’s thumbs wiped the tears from Dom’s cheeks and pulled him close enough to press a gentle kiss against his lips. “Today is just for us. We can shower and curl up on the sofa and watch Rings, go out to dinner, come home and make slow hot love and curl up in each others arms.”
“I’ll cook dinner, I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
“I want to take you out, Dommie, I don’t want you waiting on me.”
“I want to be selfish, Bills, I want you to myself, don’t deny me that.”
“Then we’ll call for take away.” Billy pulled him closer and kissed him deeply. “I’m so sorry baby, I’d stay with you forever if I could.”
“You will be.” Dom’s voice cracked as he pulled Billy’s hand against his chest “You’ll always be in here with me.”
“I love you, Dommie.” Billy sobbed as he pulled Dom more tightly against him.
Dom held him closely for long minutes before he pulled back pressing tender kisses against Billy’s tear wet cheeks.
“I thought you said no more tears today.” Dom choked out struggling to regain control of his own emotions.
“I’m sorry.” Billy drew a deep breath.
“Don’t be sorry baby.” Dom murmured. “We’re going to have a bath and then have some brekkie, then we’ll watch DVD’s and reminisce all day.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Dom came awake slowly, his head cradled on Billy’s chest, his leg thrown across Billy’s thighs, one hand cupping Billy’s face. He knew before he even opened his eyes that he was essentially alone. His Billy had left him. The skin he wrapped himself around was cool to the touch, the heart no longer beat under his ear.
Dom clung to his lover, clenching his eyes closed as tears squeezed between his eyelids. If he refused to open his eyes maybe he could claim it all was a dream. But even as the thought formulated in his mind he knew that he was fooling himself. Billy was gone, the chest that lay under his face no longer rose and fell with life giving breath. Dom lifted his head without opening his eyes and pressed his lips to Billy’s perfect cupid's bow.
“Goodbye, Billy.” He whispered and dissolved into heartbroken sobs as he burrowed his face into Billy’s chilled neck.
His emotions raw, his face wet with tears, his mind spinning, Dom pulled away from his Billy.
He sat one leg folded under him, his head resting on his other knee watching his beloved. Billy didn’t look any different than he had when he had gone to sleep last night. His hair tousled and finger combed. A sad smile curved his lips as he reached out to smooth the tangled curves, renewed tears falling as he realized his fingers had been the thing that tousled them and this would be the last time he smoothed them.
His fingers trailed across Billy’s face, strangely thankful that Billy’s eyes were closed. He didn’t think he could handle seeing Billy’s beautiful sparkling eyes soulless and dead. His lashes dark crescents against Billy’s paper white cheeks, his pale freckles standing out darkly. His perfect lips tinged with blue. Dom couldn’t help the sob that burst from his lips and started a renewed torrent of heartbroken tears.
Vaguely aware of a persistent banging, Dom ignored it focusing his attention on remembering every particle of his Billy before he was stolen from him forever. While his tears blurred his vision but his fingers traced the cool skin, unable to inhibit his tactile nature.
“Fuck.” A British voice sounded from the bedroom doorway.
“Orli.” Dom whispered without taking his eyes from Billy. “He’s gone, Orli.”
“I hoped I’d get here before he did.” Orlando answered gently as he moved to the side of the bed. “I knew something was wrong when he called yesterday.”
“He’s gone, Orli.” Dom whispered again. “I can’t do this, not without him.” He held Billy’s hand in his own, kissing his knuckles gently.
“Are you alright Dom?” Orli asked, gently sinking to the bed behind Dom and pressing a hand to his bare shoulder.
“He’s gone.” Dom murmured, oblivious to Orlando’s voice.
“Dom.” Orlando cupped his face and made him look away from his lover’s body. “You need to get dressed, mate.” He directed him gently. “We need to call the authorities. We need them to look after him.”
“I don’t want them to take him away Orli.” Dom shook his head. “If they take him, I’ll never get my Billy back.”
“They have to, Dommie.” Orlando spoke, his hands on Dom’s shoulders turning him away from Billy’s body. “The sooner you get this done, the better you’ll feel.”
Dom raised fisted hands and pushed against Orlando, as Orli tightened his hold Dom pounded against his chest angrily. “No.” he wailed “They can’t. I won’t let them.”
“Dom,” Orlando murmured, grabbing at Dom’s flailing arms and pulling him into a tight embrace. “You can’t stop this, mate, it’s gotta happen. I promise you they’ll look after him. We’ll make sure they do.”
Dom sank against Orlando’s chest and dissolved into wailing sobs as Orlando rocked him consolingly in his arms, his own tears falling.
“It’s gonna be all right Dom.” Orlando whispered against his tangled blonde hair.
“It never will be again, Orli.” Dom sobbed “He’s gone. He’s never coming back.”
“What was the last thing he said to you Dommie?” Orlando murmured.
“That he loves me and to be strong for him.” Dom replied, their last conversation as vivid in his mind as if Billy had just spoken the words.
“You need to be strong for him Dom.” Orlando spoke softly. “Let him go Dommie, he can’t move on, he won’t move on until he knows that you’re going to survive without him.”
“I can’t Orli.” Dom whispered “I can’t, he’s my strength. He’s my Pippin.”
“You have too. Billy needs you to. If you can’t do it for you, you need to do it for him Dom.”
“I can’t Orli.” He murmured “I can’t, it’s too hard, I just want to stay with him.”
“Dommie,” Orlando pulled back from him and caught his chin in his hand so he could look into tear swollen eyes. “You need to clean yourself up.” He murmured as he pulled him off the bed. “You’re going to shower and I’ll fix you some dry toast. We’ll get through today together okay?”
“Just wanna stay in bed with Billy.” Dom shook his head forlornly.
“Shower first Dommie, then we’ll see.” Orlando agreed with him.
Leading him into the ensuite bathroom, Orlando turned on the shower and almost pushed Dom under the water.
“Do I need to stay with you?” Orlando asked quietly, his real question unspoken in the air between them. Dom’s gentle negative head shake was enough for Orlando. He left the bathroom with the door open and moved back to Billy’s bedside.
Straightening the sheet that covered his small friend he brushed his hair back off his forehead and pressed a soft kiss on the smooth cool forehead.
“I’ll miss you, Billy.” He whispered softly
Lifting the cordless phone from the bedside table, Orlando moved to sit on the windowsill, the bleak rainy day outside the window reflecting his emotions as he made a series of phone calls. Having made arrangements for Billy, he started the arduous task of informing their friends and the fellowship of Billy’s demise. But first he needed reinforcements.
“Hey babe.” He spoke softly when the call connected.
“Is everything okay?” the soft Australian accent asked softly.
“He’s gone baby.” Orlando spoke quietly.
“And Dom?” she asked.
“He’s shattered.” Orlando replied.
“And you?” She asked, knowing her husband's emotions well.
“Can you leave the kids with mum?” he murmured “I need you, Emi.”
“Done.” She replied “I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”
“I love you.” Orlando whispered.
“Back atcha sweetie. See you in the morning.”
Disconnecting the call to his lovely blonde wife, he dialed another familiar number.
“Lo.” A tired voice spoke.
“Beanie mate, it’s Elfboy.” He sighed “I’ve got some bad news.” He whispered.
Sean’s voice was instantly alert “Sir Ian?”
“No.” Orlando answered.
“Vincent?”
“No.”
“John?”
“No.”
“Fer fuck's sake Orli, spit it out.” Sean demanded, frustration lacing his tone.
“If you’d shut the fuck up I could.” Orlando growled as his eyes lit on Billy’s body and his tears overflowed again. “It’s Billy.”
“It’s Billy what?” Sean’s voice was confused “Has he screwed Dom up again?”
“Yeah actually he has.” Orli choked out.
“We’ll fucking kill him this time.” Sean growled.
“Too late.” Orlando sobbed “He died last night.”
Orlando dragged the phone away from his ear startled by the loud clattering.
“Sorry mate.” Bean spoke quickly “I dropped the phone, I don’t think I heard you right.”
“You heard.” Orlando spoke desperately trying not to fall to pieces.
“How?” Bean murmured.
Orlando could almost see him carding his fingers through his hair. His brow furrowed in confusion. “Jesus Beanie.” Orli sighed “I don’t know. He’s been fighting a heart condition, I don’t know, his body is still in his bed. I don’t fucking know, okay? All I know is Dom is shattered, I can’t do this alone Beanie, I don’t know how. I promised Billy I’d tell the fellowship when it happened. Consider yourself told.”
“What do you need?” Sean spoke firmly.
“Can you call the others?” Orlando replied.
“Sure thing.” Sean answered. “Do you need me to come out there?”
“Nah.” Orlando wiped his tears as he listened to the sound of the water in the bathroom stopping. “Billy organized everything as soon as he knew it was coming. I promised him I’d help Dom. I promised him I’d do whatever I could to make this easier. He didn’t want Dom to have anything to worry about.”
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s all fucked up Beanie.” Orlando replied. “I don’t know if we can save him this time.”
“I could be there in a few hours Orli.” Sean offered.
“Emilie will be here tomorrow, we’ll be good.” Orlando spoke. “I’m sorry I snapped at you Beanie.”
“Forgotten Elfboy. I was being an ass. I’m sorry.” He paused “I’m here if you need me. I’ll let the fellowship know as soon as I’m off the phone. If you need anything, anything at all I’m here.”
“Can I call you, Beanie?” Orlando murmured quietly
“Day or night elfboy, I’ll be here.” Sean answered instantly.
“This hurts, Beanie.” Orlando’s resolve cracked.
“It’ll be hard to keep the others away when they know.”
“I know.” Orlando nodded.
“I know how much you loved him Orli, I’m not taking no for an answer.” Sean spoke firmly. “I’ll deal with everything else if you can handle Dominic.”
“Okay.” Orli answered
“Can you handle him, Elfboy? Do you want me to round up the other Hobbits first?”
“No!” Orlando exclaimed. “I promised Billy I’d look after Dommie. It’s the least I can do for the only man I ever loved.”
“It might not have seemed like it sometimes but we do all love him.”
“Loved Sean. Loved. He’s dead.” Silent tears tracked down Orlando’s cheeks as he spoke. “He really is, Sean.” He moved to sit on the floor his back against the wall. “I didn’t fix Dom last time Sean, Billy did. He trusted me to keep Dom safe now and I’m going to fail him Sean. One thing. Just one thing he trusted me with and I’m going to screw it up.”
“No you’re not.” Sean replied calmly “You’re there you’re doing all you can. Billy knows that. It’s all you can do Orli.”
“I’ve got to go Beanie.” Orlando spoke as he pulled himself to his feet, watching Dom standing mournfully at the bathroom door, crying silently as he absently wiped water droplets from his skin, watching Billy. “They’ll be here soon to take him away.”
“Shit.” Sean cursed shortly. “Go lad. I’ll make the calls and I’ll be on my way. I’ll be there sometime tonight. I’ll come straight to Billy’s house.”
“Thanks.” Orlando sighed as he disconnected the call.
He closed his eyes wearily, willing himself to be stronger or even just strong enough to keep Dom’s and his own head about the grief that was threatening to drown them.
“Orli?” Dom murmured plaintively.
Orlando’s eyes snapped open searching for Dom. His own grief was almost overwhelming, so he couldn’t begin to imagine the pain that was enveloping him.
“I don’t think I can do this.” Dom breathed.
“You can Dommie.” Orlando pulled himself out of his foggy thoughts.
“I want to stay with him.”
Orlando wrapped the towel that Dom was wringing in his hands around Dom’s waist before pulling him out of the bedroom and into the living room. Pushing him into a seat he knelt before him.
“You’ve got to do as he asks Dom. Be strong, where’s the Dommie we all love?”
“He stayed with Billy.”
“No he didn’t.” Orlando shook Dom’s shoulders gently. “He’s in there, you have to find him again, Dom.”
Dom’s head shook sadly, his gaze drifting to the doorway leading to his lover’s body.
“You need to do this for him Dom. Not you. You need to let him go smoothly, not make him linger unhappily because he’s worried about you. What about your movie?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Dom shrugged.
“Dom.” Orlando spoke softly his hand cupping Dom’s chin to look into his eyes.
“Did you really love Billy?”
“How can you even ask that?” Dom’s eyes were filled with horror.
“Did he get the recognition he deserved?” Orlando probed.
“You know he doesn’t, but it doesn’t bother him, he’s just doing what he loved. It bothers me more than it bothers him.”
“You know that you can give it to him now, don’t you?”
“How?” Dom whispered unable to meet Orlando's gaze.
“Your movie.” Orlando suggested. “It was the last thing he made, the last work you shared. You know it’s good. You know he was damned good in it. Be strong enough to promote it and give him what he deserves. Fight for it. Fight for him.”
“I can’t.” Dom shook his head, crossing his arms across his chest. “I can’t, Orli.”
“You can….for him.” Orlando crouched in front of Dom, watching the thoughts twisting through his grief clouded mind.
Pulling Dom into his arms he hugged him tightly.
“I’ll help you mate.” Orli wept against Dom’s hair. “We’ll make sure everyone sees him and loves him just like we do.”
“I’m sorry Orli.” Dom murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around Orlando’s waist.
“What for?” Orlando frowned pulling back.
“I’m being a whiny dependant shite and you hurt too.” He shrugged unable to meet Orlando’s eyes.
“No you’re not, you’re a man who’s just lost his lover, you’re doing good Dom.” Orlando brushed the damp hair back from his forehead as a loud knock sounded at the door.
Dom drew a deep breath looking up into Orlando’s eyes. “That’s them isn’t it?” He murmured “They’re going to take him away from us.”
“They have to, Dom.” He spoke calmly. “Do you need to say goodbye before I let them in?”
Dom drew a deep shuddering breath and nodded his head sadly.
“Might I suggest some clothes as well?” Orlando managed a tight sad grin as he gestured to Dom’s towel.
Dom nodded and pulled himself out of the seat as lithely as an old withered man. Orlando wrapped his arm around Dom’s waist leading him back into the bedroom. Leaving him standing at the end of the bed, Dom’s eyes fixed on Billy, fresh tears welling in his eyes, Orlando shuffled in the wardrobe for long minutes puling out a pair of Dom’s jeans and a t-shirt.
Holding the jeans out for Dom, he waited as the smaller man took the jeans and stepped into them awkwardly, dressing himself. Taking the proffered t-shirt, he slid it over his head before he nodded his thanks and moved to stand at the bedside of his lover.
“I’ll go deal with them.” Orlando spoke as the door knocking resumed more loudly.
Dom reached for Orlando’s hand and grasped it tightly “Thanks man.” He murmured.
Dom walked slowly to the edge of the bed, his long trembling fingers smoothing the sheet that covered Billy. As he touched the hand of his lover, lying limp against the sheet, he wrapped his hand around the cool digits tenderly. A tremor ran down his spine as he realized that Billy’s fingers didn’t fold around his own. His thumb caressed cold knuckles slowly as his throat choked with tears he couldn’t withhold any longer.
“Why Billy?” he breathed, his other hand trailing up to finger toss Billy’s hair as he watched him. “I need you baby, I’ve always needed you.” He leaned forward to press a wet kiss on Billy’s blue tinged cheek. “Just like I’ll always love you. I’ll never love anyone like I do you.”
His fingers touched Billy’s face, his thumbs tracing Bill's lashes, along his nose, across his lips, pausing to brush across the cupid's bow he adored. “Wait for me Billy.” He murmured leaning down to press a kiss against cool lips. “Don’t you dare find a delicious angel up there. I’ll look for you when I get there Bills.”
“Dom?” Orlando’s voice spoke from the bedroom doorway, two strangers behind him. “They need to see to Billy now.”
“Okay.” Dom whispered, he leaned in to press one final tender kiss against Billy’s lips before he stood up and backed away from the bed, his eyes never leaving his Billy.
As the men rolled a stretcher into the room, Orlando stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Dom’s waist, giving his trembling friend the support his quaking legs needed.
The reality of the morning was finally filtering into Dom’s grief clouded mind. Billy’s words of the day before circulated through his thoughts, distressing him more with every breath. His fingers dug into Orlando’s biceps tightly as he struggled more and more.
Sobbing whimpers bubbled from his lips as he watched the cold clinical way the men touched his Billy. Lifting his lifeless body from the bed and onto the gurney, Dom watched as they covered him with a thick white sheet from the foot of the gurney they had lifted him into.
As Dom watched the sheet pulled up closing over Billy’s face, the finality hit him and his grief became too much for him to bear. His knees buckled and he began to crumple in Orlando’s arms. A whimpering cry of pain and need, his eyes rolled back in his head and his weight pulled them both down to the floor as Orlando struggled to pull him up.
Sinking to sit on the floor more comfortably, Orlando pulled Dom into the hollow between his legs, letting his head fall naturally into the hollow of his shoulder, his arms tightened around him pulling him tightly into his embrace, keeping him safe as his grief riddled mind shut down trying to cope with it’s loss.
Tears fell from his own eyes as he watched the men roll Billy from the bedroom. Orlando wasn’t sure how long he sat there with his arms wrapped around his friend, trapped in his own thoughts, crooning softly to an unconscious Dominic.
Author:
sassywitchFandom: LOTRPS
Characters: Monaboyd
Word Count: 5100
Beta: Many thanks to my beta
celtprincess13. Rating: M
Summary: The last goodbye is always the hardest
Disclaimer: Don't own them or they'd be far happier and in closer proximity
WARNING: Deathfic. If that is disturbing for you don’t read.
Author's Notes: This is a piece that I have never posted but was the sixth part of a series of standalone fics
The earlier fics can be found here in reading order.
Tonight I’m Gonna Cry
Don’t Shut Me Out
End of the World
I Can’t Breathe Without You
Sleep
Dom lay beside his lover, a frown marring his face, his fingers trailing across the lightly furred chest. His eyes watched Billy closely, his paler than pale skin, the slightly blue tinge to his lips and often his fingernails, the reed-thin slenderness with the loss of even his slightly poochy middle-aged belly, the way his heartbeat was less than regular under his ear as he rested his head on Billy’s chest after they made love. Dom’s brow furrowed deeply as he slowly began to piece together the vague suspicions he hadn’t known he had.
He hadn’t really worried about it before. He expected Billy’s heart to be racing just as his did as they slowly relaxed, blissfully satisfied by each other.
This morning was different. It was the first time he had woken with his ear pressed against Billy’s chest. Normally it was the other way around. Billy’s perennial chill seeking Dom’s warmth. Dom’s own arms flung wide before Billy molded himself along Dom’s warm body.
Dom had laid there for what had seemed like hours listening to Billy’s heart race then skip a beat or two, then stop for just long enough for Dom to start to panic, before resuming a steady beat again. That was not a normal heart rate for a sleeping man.
Pulling back from his comfortable position against Billy’s chest, he studied Billy for long, silent, tear-threatening minutes. Something was wrong, now that he had noticed the little things it was obvious. Billy was sick. Seriously sick. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t seen it before. Well, yes he was. Their lifestyle could hardly be called sedate.
Yesterday was the anniversary of their third year together as a couple. They split their time between Scotland and Hawaii. Billy worked from Hawaii while Lost was shooting; he had become involved in Hawaiian theatre and even gave acting classes to underprivileged kids in their neighborhood. During the Lost hiatus, they lived in Billy’s house in Glasgow and traveled. They had even managed to do a stage play together and their very own first movie was in the can just waiting to be let loose on the world. All in all, Dom smiled, his life was idyllic and had been since the day Billy had confessed to him on Emilie’s verandah.
Now that he really thought about it, Dom could see the subtle changes in his Billy. Over the last six months at least he had grown more lethargic, he slept more and seemed to be perpetually out of breath. Billy laughed it off when Dom had commented, asking Dom what he expected of a middle-aged man. Blindly, Dom had accepted his words, happy just to love his partner in life, love, and crime.
Two weeks ago they had returned to their Glasgow home. Since their return, they had barely left their bed and when they did it was only to move to the couch or the bathtub. Dom hadn’t thought anything of it. Still, after years together they couldn’t get enough of each other.
In fact, even when Billy had suggested that they spend time at home in Scotland as soon as they could, his request had been different. They had planned to spend this hiatus in New Zealand but Billy’s quiet plea had tied Dom’s heartstrings in knots. He had thought Billy was homesick as he often was. Dom couldn’t refuse the need in Billy’s voice. But now Dom knew in his heart this request was different, this wasn’t just homesickness.
He should have seen when his toppy, dominant Billy had morphed into submissive, bottom Billy that something was really wrong. Seriously wrong. They still made love every night, but instead of the furious, can't get enough of you, frantic coupling, now there was a poignant lethargy to Billy that Dom had just put down to their familiarity.
Dom leaned up on one elbow, the fingers of his other hand tracing Billy’s face. Slowly his caresses lengthened as Billy’s eyes fluttered open.
“Morning.” Billy breathed as he started to roll towards Dom, intent on pulling him into his arms.
Dom pressed one hand against Billy’s shoulder, pushing him back against the pillows. His hand traveling lower until the flat of his palm pressed against Billy’s chest, his wildly beating heart thrumming against Dom’s clammy palm.
“I know you won’t lie to me Bills, but I have to ask you something and I need a straight answer.” Dom spoke seriously as his eyes searched Billy’s.
“Okay.” Billy nodded his brow furrowed in confusion.
“How long have you known?” he asked his voice cracking, all the while a little voice in his head chanting ‘Please God, let me be wrong, let me be paranoid, let him yell at me and call me a fuckwit, please God let it be nothing.'
Billy looked deep into Dom’s tearfilled, smoky blue eyes, wishing he had the strength to lie to his own heart, to make it all better, to take the pain from his Dommie’s eyes.
“A little less than three years.” He answered in a whisper.
“Dear God.” Dom gulped in air, bowing his head as he struggled to control his emotions.
Billy slid his fingers through Dom’s hair, gently stroking his scalp, begging him with his touch to understand. Dom lifted his head, huge glistening tears clinging valiantly to his lashes.
“How?” he gulped as he choked on the knot of emotion caught in his throat. “How long….” His voice trailed off and he couldn’t bring himself to ask the question.
“A month.” Billy answered slowly, his own tears trickling from the corners of his liquid green eyes. “Three weeks ago.”
“Why?” Dom almost sobbed against Billy’s chest, burrowing his face into his beloved. “Why didn’t you tell me Billy?” he shook his head “We’ll get a second opinion. A third? We’ll find you specialists?”
“I couldn’t Dommie.” He murmured. “Not until I was sure. There are no other specialists. There is nothing, I’ve done everything I can, I’ve seen the best cardiologists on the planet, they’ve all said the same thing. I couldn’t tell you until I was absolutely sure.” He cried.
“Don’t, Bills.” Dom breathed, his face pressed against Billy’s chest. “I won’t be able to be coherent if you lose it now and I need to talk about this.”
“I’ve tried every single day to tell you Dom, but you’ve been so happy, so beautiful I couldn’t do this to you again.”
“Sweetheart, I did that to myself, you’re not doing anything to me. We need to worry about you, there has to be something we can do?” Dom spoke softly.
“Don’t you think that I haven’t tried Dom?” Billy spoke quietly “I don’t want to leave you, Dommie. I don’t want to send you back to that place again, I can’t let you go there, I love you too much, I can’t do that to you.”
“We’ll find someone you haven’t seen, someone that can help you.” Dom kissed Billy’s chest as he spoke.
“Dommie, I’m not going back to them.” Billy stated adamantly. “There is nothing they can do. I won’t have our final days together filled with pain. I don’t want you to remember me as anything less than what I am here, now. I love you, Dom. Every night when we go to sleep I’m terrified that I’m not going to wake up in the morning. I’m terrified that I’m going to leave you alone. I’m terrified that you won’t be strong enough to look after yourself for me. That you won’t be able to live for me.”
“I won’t believe it Billy, you’re strong, you love me, I love you, nobody, no God would tear us apart.”
“It’s not God, baby.” Billy stroked Dom’s back with trembling fingers. “It’s me, it’s my body, it’s not you, it’s just something that will happen.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Bills?” Dom lifted his tear streaked face to look into Billy’s. “If you had rested more would we have longer?”
“Maybe. Who knows?” Billy shrugged. “Would you have remembered the last time we surfed the same way, would you have let me go kayaking with you that last time before we left home? Would you still be making love to me every single night without second guessing yourself and worrying about hurting me?” Billy paused “I can’t, I won’t let you have second grade memories filled with worry and regrets. I want you to have us as we were not what this….” He slapped his palm against his chest. “made us.”
“But I could have helped you, I could have been there for you, you wouldn’t have had to worry alone.” Dom murmured unable to stop the sob in his voice.
“Don’t Baby.” Billy whispered, “Please don’t. I’m sorry I kept us apart for so long. We could have had so much longer.”
“Don’t Bills.” Dom whispered pressing his head against Billy’s chest his shoulders vibrating with huge wracking gulping sobs that he couldn’t contain any longer.
“Dommie, don’t be sad.” Billy spoke, "Please baby, don’t do this now. I need to tell you things. Things that you need to remember.”
“Things that I can’t forget.” Dom wiped the tears from his tear ravaged face with one hand, letting his damp fingers drop to Billy’s face, tracing his fingertips across Billy’s tear wet cheeks, his eyes following the trail taken. “I’ll never forget you, or how you make me feel. I’ll always love you Billy.” He murmured, his voice strangled by his tears.
“There’s a safe deposit box Dommie. At the bank. There’s things in it you’ll need. My will, my medical records, some papers that are important for you. The deeds to this house. I transferred it into your name. I was worried about you, I’ve transferred all my accounts to yours. Maggie won’t fight you for anything. She loves you.”
“I don’t want anything, Bills. I only want you.”
“And I’d give everything up if I could stay with you but I can’t, so I need you to pay attention, baby.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye, Billy. If I don’t say goodbye, it won’t be real will it?”
“It’s real, Dom.” Billy sighed, closing his eyes wearily. “I’ve made the plans for my funeral, I’m asking to be cremated, they’ll give you….” His voice halted brokenly. “They’ll give you two urns, one for you to scatter in Scotland. At that little beach where we surf.”
“Billy for fuck's sake, please.” Dom whimpered “I can’t do this, not today.”
“You have to Dommie, now that you know, I need to tell you. Then I won’t mention it again, no more tears today. No more tears; just love and kisses and memories.”
“Okay.” Dom drew a deep breath and lifted his head to look into Billy’s face. “I’m listening.”
“The other is for you to take to Hawaii, keep me with you or scatter me in the surf, whatever gives you the most peace. The body I leave won’t matter, Dom. I’ll always be with you. I’ll know if you don’t look after yourself. I need you to promise me that you’ll look after yourself, I can’t be at peace if you’re not.”
“I’ll try Billy.” Dom whimpered.
“No more tears, Dommie.” Billy’s thumbs wiped the tears from Dom’s cheeks and pulled him close enough to press a gentle kiss against his lips. “Today is just for us. We can shower and curl up on the sofa and watch Rings, go out to dinner, come home and make slow hot love and curl up in each others arms.”
“I’ll cook dinner, I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
“I want to take you out, Dommie, I don’t want you waiting on me.”
“I want to be selfish, Bills, I want you to myself, don’t deny me that.”
“Then we’ll call for take away.” Billy pulled him closer and kissed him deeply. “I’m so sorry baby, I’d stay with you forever if I could.”
“You will be.” Dom’s voice cracked as he pulled Billy’s hand against his chest “You’ll always be in here with me.”
“I love you, Dommie.” Billy sobbed as he pulled Dom more tightly against him.
Dom held him closely for long minutes before he pulled back pressing tender kisses against Billy’s tear wet cheeks.
“I thought you said no more tears today.” Dom choked out struggling to regain control of his own emotions.
“I’m sorry.” Billy drew a deep breath.
“Don’t be sorry baby.” Dom murmured. “We’re going to have a bath and then have some brekkie, then we’ll watch DVD’s and reminisce all day.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Dom came awake slowly, his head cradled on Billy’s chest, his leg thrown across Billy’s thighs, one hand cupping Billy’s face. He knew before he even opened his eyes that he was essentially alone. His Billy had left him. The skin he wrapped himself around was cool to the touch, the heart no longer beat under his ear.
Dom clung to his lover, clenching his eyes closed as tears squeezed between his eyelids. If he refused to open his eyes maybe he could claim it all was a dream. But even as the thought formulated in his mind he knew that he was fooling himself. Billy was gone, the chest that lay under his face no longer rose and fell with life giving breath. Dom lifted his head without opening his eyes and pressed his lips to Billy’s perfect cupid's bow.
“Goodbye, Billy.” He whispered and dissolved into heartbroken sobs as he burrowed his face into Billy’s chilled neck.
His emotions raw, his face wet with tears, his mind spinning, Dom pulled away from his Billy.
He sat one leg folded under him, his head resting on his other knee watching his beloved. Billy didn’t look any different than he had when he had gone to sleep last night. His hair tousled and finger combed. A sad smile curved his lips as he reached out to smooth the tangled curves, renewed tears falling as he realized his fingers had been the thing that tousled them and this would be the last time he smoothed them.
His fingers trailed across Billy’s face, strangely thankful that Billy’s eyes were closed. He didn’t think he could handle seeing Billy’s beautiful sparkling eyes soulless and dead. His lashes dark crescents against Billy’s paper white cheeks, his pale freckles standing out darkly. His perfect lips tinged with blue. Dom couldn’t help the sob that burst from his lips and started a renewed torrent of heartbroken tears.
Vaguely aware of a persistent banging, Dom ignored it focusing his attention on remembering every particle of his Billy before he was stolen from him forever. While his tears blurred his vision but his fingers traced the cool skin, unable to inhibit his tactile nature.
“Fuck.” A British voice sounded from the bedroom doorway.
“Orli.” Dom whispered without taking his eyes from Billy. “He’s gone, Orli.”
“I hoped I’d get here before he did.” Orlando answered gently as he moved to the side of the bed. “I knew something was wrong when he called yesterday.”
“He’s gone, Orli.” Dom whispered again. “I can’t do this, not without him.” He held Billy’s hand in his own, kissing his knuckles gently.
“Are you alright Dom?” Orli asked, gently sinking to the bed behind Dom and pressing a hand to his bare shoulder.
“He’s gone.” Dom murmured, oblivious to Orlando’s voice.
“Dom.” Orlando cupped his face and made him look away from his lover’s body. “You need to get dressed, mate.” He directed him gently. “We need to call the authorities. We need them to look after him.”
“I don’t want them to take him away Orli.” Dom shook his head. “If they take him, I’ll never get my Billy back.”
“They have to, Dommie.” Orlando spoke, his hands on Dom’s shoulders turning him away from Billy’s body. “The sooner you get this done, the better you’ll feel.”
Dom raised fisted hands and pushed against Orlando, as Orli tightened his hold Dom pounded against his chest angrily. “No.” he wailed “They can’t. I won’t let them.”
“Dom,” Orlando murmured, grabbing at Dom’s flailing arms and pulling him into a tight embrace. “You can’t stop this, mate, it’s gotta happen. I promise you they’ll look after him. We’ll make sure they do.”
Dom sank against Orlando’s chest and dissolved into wailing sobs as Orlando rocked him consolingly in his arms, his own tears falling.
“It’s gonna be all right Dom.” Orlando whispered against his tangled blonde hair.
“It never will be again, Orli.” Dom sobbed “He’s gone. He’s never coming back.”
“What was the last thing he said to you Dommie?” Orlando murmured.
“That he loves me and to be strong for him.” Dom replied, their last conversation as vivid in his mind as if Billy had just spoken the words.
“You need to be strong for him Dom.” Orlando spoke softly. “Let him go Dommie, he can’t move on, he won’t move on until he knows that you’re going to survive without him.”
“I can’t Orli.” Dom whispered “I can’t, he’s my strength. He’s my Pippin.”
“You have too. Billy needs you to. If you can’t do it for you, you need to do it for him Dom.”
“I can’t Orli.” He murmured “I can’t, it’s too hard, I just want to stay with him.”
“Dommie,” Orlando pulled back from him and caught his chin in his hand so he could look into tear swollen eyes. “You need to clean yourself up.” He murmured as he pulled him off the bed. “You’re going to shower and I’ll fix you some dry toast. We’ll get through today together okay?”
“Just wanna stay in bed with Billy.” Dom shook his head forlornly.
“Shower first Dommie, then we’ll see.” Orlando agreed with him.
Leading him into the ensuite bathroom, Orlando turned on the shower and almost pushed Dom under the water.
“Do I need to stay with you?” Orlando asked quietly, his real question unspoken in the air between them. Dom’s gentle negative head shake was enough for Orlando. He left the bathroom with the door open and moved back to Billy’s bedside.
Straightening the sheet that covered his small friend he brushed his hair back off his forehead and pressed a soft kiss on the smooth cool forehead.
“I’ll miss you, Billy.” He whispered softly
Lifting the cordless phone from the bedside table, Orlando moved to sit on the windowsill, the bleak rainy day outside the window reflecting his emotions as he made a series of phone calls. Having made arrangements for Billy, he started the arduous task of informing their friends and the fellowship of Billy’s demise. But first he needed reinforcements.
“Hey babe.” He spoke softly when the call connected.
“Is everything okay?” the soft Australian accent asked softly.
“He’s gone baby.” Orlando spoke quietly.
“And Dom?” she asked.
“He’s shattered.” Orlando replied.
“And you?” She asked, knowing her husband's emotions well.
“Can you leave the kids with mum?” he murmured “I need you, Emi.”
“Done.” She replied “I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”
“I love you.” Orlando whispered.
“Back atcha sweetie. See you in the morning.”
Disconnecting the call to his lovely blonde wife, he dialed another familiar number.
“Lo.” A tired voice spoke.
“Beanie mate, it’s Elfboy.” He sighed “I’ve got some bad news.” He whispered.
Sean’s voice was instantly alert “Sir Ian?”
“No.” Orlando answered.
“Vincent?”
“No.”
“John?”
“No.”
“Fer fuck's sake Orli, spit it out.” Sean demanded, frustration lacing his tone.
“If you’d shut the fuck up I could.” Orlando growled as his eyes lit on Billy’s body and his tears overflowed again. “It’s Billy.”
“It’s Billy what?” Sean’s voice was confused “Has he screwed Dom up again?”
“Yeah actually he has.” Orli choked out.
“We’ll fucking kill him this time.” Sean growled.
“Too late.” Orlando sobbed “He died last night.”
Orlando dragged the phone away from his ear startled by the loud clattering.
“Sorry mate.” Bean spoke quickly “I dropped the phone, I don’t think I heard you right.”
“You heard.” Orlando spoke desperately trying not to fall to pieces.
“How?” Bean murmured.
Orlando could almost see him carding his fingers through his hair. His brow furrowed in confusion. “Jesus Beanie.” Orli sighed “I don’t know. He’s been fighting a heart condition, I don’t know, his body is still in his bed. I don’t fucking know, okay? All I know is Dom is shattered, I can’t do this alone Beanie, I don’t know how. I promised Billy I’d tell the fellowship when it happened. Consider yourself told.”
“What do you need?” Sean spoke firmly.
“Can you call the others?” Orlando replied.
“Sure thing.” Sean answered. “Do you need me to come out there?”
“Nah.” Orlando wiped his tears as he listened to the sound of the water in the bathroom stopping. “Billy organized everything as soon as he knew it was coming. I promised him I’d help Dom. I promised him I’d do whatever I could to make this easier. He didn’t want Dom to have anything to worry about.”
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s all fucked up Beanie.” Orlando replied. “I don’t know if we can save him this time.”
“I could be there in a few hours Orli.” Sean offered.
“Emilie will be here tomorrow, we’ll be good.” Orlando spoke. “I’m sorry I snapped at you Beanie.”
“Forgotten Elfboy. I was being an ass. I’m sorry.” He paused “I’m here if you need me. I’ll let the fellowship know as soon as I’m off the phone. If you need anything, anything at all I’m here.”
“Can I call you, Beanie?” Orlando murmured quietly
“Day or night elfboy, I’ll be here.” Sean answered instantly.
“This hurts, Beanie.” Orlando’s resolve cracked.
“It’ll be hard to keep the others away when they know.”
“I know.” Orlando nodded.
“I know how much you loved him Orli, I’m not taking no for an answer.” Sean spoke firmly. “I’ll deal with everything else if you can handle Dominic.”
“Okay.” Orli answered
“Can you handle him, Elfboy? Do you want me to round up the other Hobbits first?”
“No!” Orlando exclaimed. “I promised Billy I’d look after Dommie. It’s the least I can do for the only man I ever loved.”
“It might not have seemed like it sometimes but we do all love him.”
“Loved Sean. Loved. He’s dead.” Silent tears tracked down Orlando’s cheeks as he spoke. “He really is, Sean.” He moved to sit on the floor his back against the wall. “I didn’t fix Dom last time Sean, Billy did. He trusted me to keep Dom safe now and I’m going to fail him Sean. One thing. Just one thing he trusted me with and I’m going to screw it up.”
“No you’re not.” Sean replied calmly “You’re there you’re doing all you can. Billy knows that. It’s all you can do Orli.”
“I’ve got to go Beanie.” Orlando spoke as he pulled himself to his feet, watching Dom standing mournfully at the bathroom door, crying silently as he absently wiped water droplets from his skin, watching Billy. “They’ll be here soon to take him away.”
“Shit.” Sean cursed shortly. “Go lad. I’ll make the calls and I’ll be on my way. I’ll be there sometime tonight. I’ll come straight to Billy’s house.”
“Thanks.” Orlando sighed as he disconnected the call.
He closed his eyes wearily, willing himself to be stronger or even just strong enough to keep Dom’s and his own head about the grief that was threatening to drown them.
“Orli?” Dom murmured plaintively.
Orlando’s eyes snapped open searching for Dom. His own grief was almost overwhelming, so he couldn’t begin to imagine the pain that was enveloping him.
“I don’t think I can do this.” Dom breathed.
“You can Dommie.” Orlando pulled himself out of his foggy thoughts.
“I want to stay with him.”
Orlando wrapped the towel that Dom was wringing in his hands around Dom’s waist before pulling him out of the bedroom and into the living room. Pushing him into a seat he knelt before him.
“You’ve got to do as he asks Dom. Be strong, where’s the Dommie we all love?”
“He stayed with Billy.”
“No he didn’t.” Orlando shook Dom’s shoulders gently. “He’s in there, you have to find him again, Dom.”
Dom’s head shook sadly, his gaze drifting to the doorway leading to his lover’s body.
“You need to do this for him Dom. Not you. You need to let him go smoothly, not make him linger unhappily because he’s worried about you. What about your movie?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Dom shrugged.
“Dom.” Orlando spoke softly his hand cupping Dom’s chin to look into his eyes.
“Did you really love Billy?”
“How can you even ask that?” Dom’s eyes were filled with horror.
“Did he get the recognition he deserved?” Orlando probed.
“You know he doesn’t, but it doesn’t bother him, he’s just doing what he loved. It bothers me more than it bothers him.”
“You know that you can give it to him now, don’t you?”
“How?” Dom whispered unable to meet Orlando's gaze.
“Your movie.” Orlando suggested. “It was the last thing he made, the last work you shared. You know it’s good. You know he was damned good in it. Be strong enough to promote it and give him what he deserves. Fight for it. Fight for him.”
“I can’t.” Dom shook his head, crossing his arms across his chest. “I can’t, Orli.”
“You can….for him.” Orlando crouched in front of Dom, watching the thoughts twisting through his grief clouded mind.
Pulling Dom into his arms he hugged him tightly.
“I’ll help you mate.” Orli wept against Dom’s hair. “We’ll make sure everyone sees him and loves him just like we do.”
“I’m sorry Orli.” Dom murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around Orlando’s waist.
“What for?” Orlando frowned pulling back.
“I’m being a whiny dependant shite and you hurt too.” He shrugged unable to meet Orlando’s eyes.
“No you’re not, you’re a man who’s just lost his lover, you’re doing good Dom.” Orlando brushed the damp hair back from his forehead as a loud knock sounded at the door.
Dom drew a deep breath looking up into Orlando’s eyes. “That’s them isn’t it?” He murmured “They’re going to take him away from us.”
“They have to, Dom.” He spoke calmly. “Do you need to say goodbye before I let them in?”
Dom drew a deep shuddering breath and nodded his head sadly.
“Might I suggest some clothes as well?” Orlando managed a tight sad grin as he gestured to Dom’s towel.
Dom nodded and pulled himself out of the seat as lithely as an old withered man. Orlando wrapped his arm around Dom’s waist leading him back into the bedroom. Leaving him standing at the end of the bed, Dom’s eyes fixed on Billy, fresh tears welling in his eyes, Orlando shuffled in the wardrobe for long minutes puling out a pair of Dom’s jeans and a t-shirt.
Holding the jeans out for Dom, he waited as the smaller man took the jeans and stepped into them awkwardly, dressing himself. Taking the proffered t-shirt, he slid it over his head before he nodded his thanks and moved to stand at the bedside of his lover.
“I’ll go deal with them.” Orlando spoke as the door knocking resumed more loudly.
Dom reached for Orlando’s hand and grasped it tightly “Thanks man.” He murmured.
Dom walked slowly to the edge of the bed, his long trembling fingers smoothing the sheet that covered Billy. As he touched the hand of his lover, lying limp against the sheet, he wrapped his hand around the cool digits tenderly. A tremor ran down his spine as he realized that Billy’s fingers didn’t fold around his own. His thumb caressed cold knuckles slowly as his throat choked with tears he couldn’t withhold any longer.
“Why Billy?” he breathed, his other hand trailing up to finger toss Billy’s hair as he watched him. “I need you baby, I’ve always needed you.” He leaned forward to press a wet kiss on Billy’s blue tinged cheek. “Just like I’ll always love you. I’ll never love anyone like I do you.”
His fingers touched Billy’s face, his thumbs tracing Bill's lashes, along his nose, across his lips, pausing to brush across the cupid's bow he adored. “Wait for me Billy.” He murmured leaning down to press a kiss against cool lips. “Don’t you dare find a delicious angel up there. I’ll look for you when I get there Bills.”
“Dom?” Orlando’s voice spoke from the bedroom doorway, two strangers behind him. “They need to see to Billy now.”
“Okay.” Dom whispered, he leaned in to press one final tender kiss against Billy’s lips before he stood up and backed away from the bed, his eyes never leaving his Billy.
As the men rolled a stretcher into the room, Orlando stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Dom’s waist, giving his trembling friend the support his quaking legs needed.
The reality of the morning was finally filtering into Dom’s grief clouded mind. Billy’s words of the day before circulated through his thoughts, distressing him more with every breath. His fingers dug into Orlando’s biceps tightly as he struggled more and more.
Sobbing whimpers bubbled from his lips as he watched the cold clinical way the men touched his Billy. Lifting his lifeless body from the bed and onto the gurney, Dom watched as they covered him with a thick white sheet from the foot of the gurney they had lifted him into.
As Dom watched the sheet pulled up closing over Billy’s face, the finality hit him and his grief became too much for him to bear. His knees buckled and he began to crumple in Orlando’s arms. A whimpering cry of pain and need, his eyes rolled back in his head and his weight pulled them both down to the floor as Orlando struggled to pull him up.
Sinking to sit on the floor more comfortably, Orlando pulled Dom into the hollow between his legs, letting his head fall naturally into the hollow of his shoulder, his arms tightened around him pulling him tightly into his embrace, keeping him safe as his grief riddled mind shut down trying to cope with it’s loss.
Tears fell from his own eyes as he watched the men roll Billy from the bedroom. Orlando wasn’t sure how long he sat there with his arms wrapped around his friend, trapped in his own thoughts, crooning softly to an unconscious Dominic.
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